How to Survive Homelessness

Three women named Melissa share their stories, struggles

May 2025

Editor’s Note: If you were a parent with a young child and suddenly found yourself homeless, would you know how to get by? Diane Nilan and Diana Bowman, two long-time advocates for families experiencing homelessness, tackle the subject in their new book, The Three Melissas: The Practical Guide to Surviving Family Homelessness. In it, they consults the real experts—parents who have experienced homelessness themselves.

BY DIANE NILAN AND DIANA BOWMAN

Over the past 20 years, as Diane traveled the country making documentary films to raise awareness of families experiencing homelessness, she met three intrepid mothers, each named Melissa. Recognizing the wealth of wisdom, poignancy, and inspiration in the lives of these mothers, Diane has collaborated with Diana to interview them and compile their thoughts for an unprecedented guide designed to help other parents who are navigating the trials of being homeless—all while keeping their children safe, fed, and clothed.

The stories the Melissas share are honest and unvarnished. They tell it like it is.

Melissa N, the first mom Diane met 20 years ago, still lives in the bare-bones single-wide trailer that FEMA provided her and her children— a baby boy and two grade school girls—after Hurricane Ivan displaced them back in 2004.

Melissa N in 2024, in front of the trailer that has been her family’s home ever since FEMA provided it in 2004 when the family was displaced by Hurricane Ivan. They’ve never had the resources to move from the trailer, now dilapidated.

This 53-year-old grandmother now cares for her grandkids in the Pensacola, Florida area, in between picking up odd jobs. Melissa A and Diane met 15 years ago when she and her five children were about to be kicked out of a hotel in the western Chicago suburbs.

Now 38, Melissa A and her kids have their own house, but they scrape to get by each month. Her homelessness experiences started during her childhood and continued throughout her 20s.

Melissa A stands in front of her family’s home in Bolingbrook, Illinois, where they’ve lived since 2021. Her gig income, combined with that of her oldest son’s, helps them piece together the money they need each month to keep the home.

She relies on gig income for the flexibility to tend to her children.

Melissa T, now 50, and Diane connected in a rural central Kansas town 10 years ago when Melissa T was providing in- home care for a disabled man. After leaving her husband because of domestic violence, she and her young daughter bounced around, mostly couch surfing. They finally qualified for subsidized housing in a nearby college town but her multiple health problems limit her employment opportunities.

Melissa T and her dog Winnie in her apartment in Manhattan, Kansas, August 2024. Since qualifying for this subsidized apartment in 2015, she and her youngest daughter Hanna have enjoyed fragile stability.

Diana explains, “If you were homeless, would you know to keep your cash in your socks when sleeping in a shelter? Would you know how not to wear out your welcome when staying with a friend, relative, or stranger? Would you know how to use coupons to stretch your limited income? Would you know what to tell or not tell your children about your homeless situation? The three Melissas offer vital advice on these and many other issues.”

More than a handbook, this book invites readers who’ve never been homeless to walk in the shoes of these women.

“You’ll feel their frustration of dealing with agencies that don’t understand their needs or impose policies that create barriers to stable housing,” says Diana. “You’ll understand their anger at people who judge them for things beyond their control, and their unrelenting exhaustion knowing that they must face one more day trying to figure out how to get by.”

Critics have called The Three Melissas a must-have resource for shelter and service providers, policymakers, churches, nonprofits, and educators, as well as parents who are homeless.

Diane urges readers to “do everything possible to ease the suffering of those experiencing homelessness, especially for those with children who deserve the right to thrive in a safe and comfortable home.”

She and Diana believe The Three Melissas can make “bad a little better” for parents experiencing homelessness in the short term, and can lead communities to create stronger support systems to meet the real needs of these families.

The Reporters Inc. is pleased and honored to present these exclusive excerpts from The Three Melissas:

Speed Bumps and Brick Walls: The World of a Single Mother Experiencing Homelessness

Everyone’s experience of homelessness is different, but a lot of it is the same. Here are a few of “The Three Melissas’” general thoughts, to guide you along your journey:

• Crisis management is a full-time job. Trying to find a safe place for your kids to sleep takes up most of your time—especially because you won’t always succeed. Feeding and clothing them is no easy task, especially because you can’t even scrape up enough money for little things. Without a functioning kitchen you must rely on fast food. You cannot give up!
• When one thing goes wrong, often all the dominoes fall at once. Since you don’t have money or other resources, you must patch together your family’s existence any way you can. With chewing gum and string, if necessary. Your existence is fragile, so even when something minor happens, it tends to upend everything. Getting ahead seems impossible because it’s difficult to save money for those WTF moments.
• Finding a permanent place to live is just about impossible. Your credit stinks. You don’t have money for a down payment on a place. The rental offices charge for credit checks and you can’t even afford to pay for that. You look for any affordable places but find nothing. You get desperate and swallow your pride, turning to family or friends. At first you think it might work out, but then you have to start walking on eggshells and tension builds. You try to follow the rules and keep your kids under control. Often the expectations are impossible or objectionable or both. A family friend propositions you and demands sex for a place to stay. You know you might be asked to leave at a moment’s notice. As much as you try to avoid trouble, it happens.
• Melissa T described a time when she and her daughter were living with a friend. Suddenly her friend’s adult daughter told her to leave because “it’s been long enough.” Once outside, Melissa and her daughter were locked out of the house. Later, her friend would not answer her calls.
• Once you’ve lost one flimsy arrangement, you turn to other family, friends, or acquaintances. No luck. They can’t let you stay because of their lease. Or because you’ve got too many kids. Or they’ve already taken others in and they have no room. Or because they’ve already taken others in and they and there are too many kids for the lease. You get creative and go camping. Or sleep in your car. Or find places outside that you know are not safe, but you stay there anyhow.
• Staying in shelters, the obvious solution, doesn’t happen for lots of reasons. Many communities don’t have family shelters. Or they’re full. Or they don’t accept older children, especially boys. Pets aren’t allowed. The shelters may have unreasonable time limits or rules that are hard to follow. Most shelters make people leave during the day. This is a major hardship for you. You have babies, toddlers, or a child with special needs.
• Melissa A told of a situation where her son needed emergency treatment in a hospital that required him to stay overnight. However, the shelter where they stayed evicted families who did not spend every night there. If Melissa waited at the hospital with her son, she and her children would lose their spot. Melissa chose to leave her son in the hospital alone to save her family’s space at the shelter. Fortunately, the hospital intervened with the shelter, and the shelter relaxed that rule. Melissa A and her children were able to stay in the Ronald McDonald House while her son remained at the hospital, without losing their space at the shelter.
• You realize that you’d have to be a genius to meet your family’s basic needs like food, clothing, hygiene, and adequate sleep. Where will you keep your stuff? How will you manage to get, store, and prepare food? What happens when your kids get sick? Where will you go during the day, especially if you have young children? How will you travel to different agencies where you might get help (or not)?
• How will you get around? Public transportation takes money, and its rigid schedule creates challenges for you to coordinate rides. If you’re lucky enough to have a car, it’s expensive—gas, maintenance, insurance. Will you depend on others for rides? That’s shaky at best. Melissa A recalled getting up before dawn to walk to a bus stop for work and returning by bus after dark. Although she was able to keep her job, she had to leave her children with other people for the whole day.
• Our society expects you to work but provides no help to find and afford childcare. Working becomes nearly impossible. You may have friends and relatives who can help, but these arrangements are often unreliable. If you miss too many days from work to care for your children, you’ll lose your job. Melissa A. missed work regularly because she was unsure of the safety of her babysitting arrangement.
• You’re being judged. You’re struggling to reach out for help because you know you’ll be judged as an inadequate parent. People are eager to blame you because, you’re the adult. Many people do not understand the challenges you are facing as a person experiencing homelessness.

Staying in a hotel (or motel)

Staying in a hotel is expensive. Even though the hotel you can afford will be cheap by vacationing standards, it may be easier than other housing options because there are often no security deposits or background checks.

Hotels and motels have their own other advantages and disadvantages. On the one hand, you have a bed, bathroom, and usually a television. But it gets crowded fast. You’ll have all your belongings crammed in your room. It’s hard to prepare decent meals with a tiny refrigerator and an equally tiny microwave. Cooking smells can be offensive to other guests. Food storage is limited.

People come and go in a hotel—at all hours—and no one gets to know one another. It’s difficult for you to determine who’s safe to have around your children. When dangerous situations occur with other residents or visitors, you and your kids might be at risk. Cabin fever hits hard and fast, causing everyone to get on each other’s nerves. Privacy doesn’t exist. Then there’s the daily challenge: how can you afford one more night?

Questions to Consider:

• How will you pay for your stay?
• How long can you afford to stay?
• Will you have to pay in advance?
• Will the establishment allow a grace period in which you can gather resources to pay your bill before forcing you to leave or will you have to find other options quickly?
• Will you and your children have an adequate place to sleep?
• Some low-budget lodgings do not supply clean towels and linen. Will you have a place to wash your bedding, etc.?
• Will you have access to a microwave and refrigerator?
• Are there common areas where children can do homework?
• Is there space inside or outside for children to play?
• Will you feel safe?
• What happens when rates change, as they will during special events and holidays? You must be prepared for temporary evictions.
• If you have a pet, can you ask a friend to take care of it until you get your own place?
• The Melissas’ Tips:
• Use a web search engine to find good prices for hotels.
• Be sure to know the rules before you book. Some hotels require a deposit that may be hard to afford.
• Watch your children carefully since strangers are continuously coming and going.
• If you don’t have a car, make sure your hotel is near public transportation or close enough for you to walk where you need to go.
• Get a hotel room with a kitchen, if possible, or at least with a refrigerator and microwave.
• Bring your food utensils to the hotel because these are usually not provided. Also, most hotels do not have paper towels or dish soap, so bring these with you as well.
• Save the personal-sized shampoos and soaps to use when you are no longer in the hotel.
• Keep a cooler filled with ice to keep food fresh. If you are in a hotel without a refrigerator, fill the cooler with ice from the hotel every day.
• Don’t use the phone in the hotel; the charge for calls may be expensive.

Closing Thoughts from Diane and Diana

It’s sad this book needed to be written.

It’s sadder still that families are experiencing homelessness at an unprecedented rate as we enter the second quarter of the 21st century. It’s saddest that family homelessness seems unimportant and invisible for many policymakers and too many of us in the public.

As authors of this unique guide, we deeply appreciate the Three Melissas’ willingness to contribute their unfettered wisdom to this project. Hopefully, as the book gets circulated to our nation’s families living in similar homeless situations, the practical advice from the Melissas will not only provide support and encouragement but will reduce anxiety and ease tensions for families and for those trying to help them. We also hope that professionals and policymakers will gain insights about everyday logistical challenges families experiencing homelessness encounter and turn those insights into actions that lessen family homelessness.

Those of us with a place to live and the resources necessary to acquire our daily needs (and more) have a moral obligation to do what we can to ease the immediate and long-term suffering of those around us—especially those without a place to call home. In some cases, you may extend kindness and understanding.

We hope that, at the very least, you’ll refrain from judgment and harsh words. Perhaps you’ll find a way to lend a hand, bringing comfort where none existed.

For those of you who are policymakers, or those with connections to these decision-makers, you might use your position to reduce hardship and increase assistance.

Housing is a human right. Adhering to that concept would vastly improve life for those without housing, including millions of babies, toddlers, children, youth, and parents. We will collectively do better when our sisters and brothers have their basic needs met.

Today, all three Melissas agree that they struggle with PTHD, Post Traumatic Homelessness Disorder. Their housing situations remain fragile.

Melissa A faces enormous utility bills that seem insurmountable, but she’s pursuing resources. Her kids seem to be doing well in school, a priority for this mom.

Melissa N grapples with her 20-year old flimsy trailer upkeep, knowing she has no other option. Her neurodivergent son, who still lives at home, just turned 21, and has continued to reach milestones despite constant bureaucratic barriers.

And Melissa T wonders where she’ll end up when her daughter, now 17, moves out, rendering Melissa unqualified for their family apartment. Her health issues theoretically would qualify her for disability but the process is daunting.

The Three Melissas is available for purchase here on Amazon or here on BookShop.org. Proceeds from the book’s sales will benefit Melissa A, Melissa N, Melissa T and their families directly.

About the Authors:

Diane Nilan: After 15 years as a homeless shelter director, Diane Nilan founded her nonprofit HEAR US Inc. and took to the road in a small camper, traveling more than 500,000 miles (so far!) to make documentary films that give voice and visibility to families and children experiencing homelessness. She’s made over 100 films and written three books on homelessness. Her work has earned recognition from a variety of organizations, including multiple awards from the National Association Education for Homeless Children and Youth. She was twice honored by the University of St. Francis (Joliet, Illinois), her alma mater. Chicagoland organizations (Chicago Coalition for the Homeless, Bridge Communities, DuPage PADS, and The Education Center) have also cited her efforts, and The Texas Homeless Network awarded her their highest honor. All the photos shown here and presented in the book were taken by Diane. She can be reached at dianehearus@gmail.com

The authors of  The Three Melissas: Diana Bowman (left) and Diane Nilan (right).

Diana Bowman: For 18 years, Diana directed the U.S. Department of Education’s technical assistance center to help schools enroll and serve children and youth experiencing homelessness, and she received several awards from prestigious national organizations, including the top honor from the National Association for the Education of Homeless Children and Youth. The New York City-based Institute for Children, Poverty and Homelessness has also recognized her decades of dedication to children experiencing homelessness. As part of her leadership at the National Center for Homeless Education, Diana has conducted presentations nationwide at universities, educational associations, and children’s advocacy groups. She authored The Charlie Book: 60 Ways to Help Homeless Kids and co-authored a chapter in Eric Rossen’s Supporting the Education of Traumatized Children. She continues her support of students who are poor and marginalized by teaching for a free, online global courses at University of the People, the first nonprofit, tuition-free accredited American online university. Diana can be reached at dianabbowman@gmail.com.