Pirkko Tavaila is a member of The Reporters Inc.'s Advisory Committee. To learn more about her, click here

IF IT HAPPENS TO YOUR CHILD:

HOW POSITIVE ENERGY CAN SOLVE BULLYING


May 2013

There haven’t been very many newspaper front pages that have managed to catch my attention. The reason for that: in Finland the front page is traditionally reserved for advertisements. Go figure. But breaking that rule a couple weeks ago, the morning publication Aamulehti grabbed my full focus with its unusual appearance. Greeting my sleepy eyes was an enormous headline. Under it, just a few sentences cobbled together by an eight-year-old boy. It stung straight into the depths of my mother nerve.

The child, Santeri (not his real name), was trying to express the hurt and fear caused by being constantly bullied at school -- both mentally and physically. Santeri’s biggest wish was to have friends and not be left alone.

We all know that Santeri’s pain is just drop in the ocean. Bullying is a global disease, and as Mother Theresa put it: The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted.

Santeri’s letter brought me back to my own painful experiences with the subject. Our daughter was bullied in elementary school as well, and there was so little we felt we could do about it at the time. I can still recall the overwhelming need to protect, not to mention all the feelings of anger and frustration.

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MOTHER REFLECTS ON SECOND ADOPTION
‘AM I UP FOR THE CHALLENGE AGAIN?’


May 2013

Editor's Note: The following article is written by an adoptive mom who lives in the United States' Pacific Northwest region. She and her husband have long wanted to adopt a sibling for their son, but the planning, the waiting and the anticipation have also led to growing doubts about the feasibility of having a second child. Career, family, and encroaching middle age are tough enough to juggle for any mom -- throw in the complexities of adoption and you can see why the author is doing some serious soul-searching. For those reasons, she's asked us to withhold her name. 

Every time I run into someone I haven’t seen in a while and they know my husband and I are in the process of adopting a second child, the first question I get asked is “any news about a baby?” Normally this question doesn’t bother me. I appreciate the interest. But the simple fact is I have no idea when we might get news of a baby and I feel like I’m running out of time.

This isn’t our first time around this block. Our son is adopted. The wait for him took about 10 months from the time we entered the “waiting pool” until we received the call that we had been chosen by his birth parents. When I consider a normal pregnancy is about 10 months, the wait wasn’t unreasonable.

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The average wait with our adoption agency when we started our journey six years ago was 11 months. It’s now 16 months due to a variety of reasons. More young women are choosing to parent, more expectant parents are bypassing adoption agencies and going straight to the internet to find adoptive parents, and there are more prospective adoptive parents in our agency’s pool than there were with our first adoption.

While I’m grateful every day for my son and am eternally thankful to the young couple that chose us to be his parents, I do sometimes wonder if I’m up for the challenge of parenting an infant again. I think that’s reasonable given my age. I’m 47. But it’s funny how time changes things. I never once doubted during the wait for my son that I was up for the challenge. Maybe the difference now is I know what to expect.

So why do I feel like I’m running out of time? I bought into the belief that women can procreate whenever we are ready. Unfortunately I found out nature doesn’t work that way despite what Hollywood and celebrities lead us to believe. I may have been ready biologically to have a child at a younger age, but I certainly wasn’t mature enough to be anyone’s parent.

There is a plus side to waiting as long as I did to become a mom. I’m financially stable, I have more life experience than some of my younger mom friends and I don’t sweat the small stuff. I’m much more patient with my son now than I would have been if I had become a parent in my twenties. And I know the value of living in the “now.” Part of the reason it’s taken us so long with this second adoption is we’ve been enjoying the time we’ve had with our son.

There’s another reason I feel like I’m racing against the clock. As much as I love being a mom and it fulfills my life in ways I never imagined, I have worked my entire adult life and at this point, I have no desire to give it up. At my age, I can’t afford the luxury of taking time out of the work force to be with my young child or children because I would be looking at re-entering the work force at age 50 or older. I’m realistic enough to know that it’s not easy for a middle-aged woman to compete against someone a couple decades younger in any profession.

However, given that, I do believe we can have it all as women – career, marriage, motherhood – we just can’t have it all at the same time. I know myself well enough to know I’ll never be a CEO or Vice President. Climbing a corporate ladder isn’t as important to me now as climbing the playground ladder with my child. But I do enjoy working. I’m fortunate to have a situation that allows me to work part-time. It gives my life balance to be able to contribute financially to our household and still have time for my husband and son.

When my husband and I married, we waited a few years before starting our family. We always envisioned having two children. We still hold out that hope, but with each passing day, the chances of it happening diminish.

When you are adopting, you don’t have the physical signs of a pregnancy. There are no ultrasounds, no growing belly. There are no clues to the outside world that you are anxiously anticipating a new life becoming a part of your family. It can be excruciating to hear the same question over and over again and not have an answer; the simple fact is this is one of those situations where I have no control over the timing or the process.

What I can control is how I live my life. The waiting process is different for everyone. For my husband, son and me, we conduct our lives as normal. We don’t wait for the phone to ring or to get that email saying that we’re being considered. Sometimes I even forget that we’re in the waiting pool again. Until I get the question from well meaning friends.

While family and friends tell us not to give up on our dream of having two children, the reality is it may not happen in the time frame I hope. I made certain choices to create a life for my family and myself and I am now dealing with the consequences of those choices. I’ll continue to graciously answer those who care enough to ask when we’ll be getting a baby. But I am prepared for the possible outcome that I was meant to parent one child. And for me, that is enough.

Send comments about this article to info@thereporters.org.

Below you'll find links to previous articles, columns and commentaries published by The Reporters Inc.

April 2013/By Kamil Zawadzki/”A ‘Gen-Y’ SOS: Where are OUR Financial Gurus?”.
April 2013/By Timothy P. Munkeby/”A Loving Legacy: Teaching Kids Financial Literacy”.
March 2013/By Kent Greene/"Note to Congress: Consider Firearms Liability Insurance".
March 2013/By Joan A. Peterson/"32 Homicides A Day: My Sister Was One of Them".
March 2013/By Derick White/"Father, Hunter, Gun Owner: I Can't Stop Thinking About An Answer".
February 2013/By Donald Ross/"Where's Opie? Heartache in the Heartland".
February 2013/By Mark Saxenmeyer/"The Deep Sting of Loneliness".
January 2013/By Mark Armbrust /"Goal Setting in 2013: Make One Realistic, One 'Big and Hairy'".
January 2013/By Mark Saxenmeyer/"So Much to Discover, Even in the Alley".

There was no light to be seen at the time, and depression was taking over our once so-lively child. Trying to make it better for her, we went through all the obvious steps -- that unfortunately didn’t work:

• Our daughter was taken out of her class and changed into another one in the same school, which soon generated new bullies in the new class. Old friends turned their backs.

• We called the teachers for assistance, which wasn’t beneficial either. They said everything looked fine on the surface.

• Organized meetings with the school psychologist, and the bullies, didn’t help either.

• We even hired an outside therapist, also to no avail.

Ultimately, my tiger mother instincts ended up being no good. After wising up, I made a promise to myself to stop fighting against what I felt was wrong. The decision came from the realization that “fighting against” meant giving all my attention, focus and energy to something that I was trying desperately to get rid of.

The universe simply doesn’t work that way – we get what we focus on, period. Instead, I decided to start directing my efforts and energy towards fighting for the good. So I set out on a quest to help my child find her joy and dreams again.

At first it was difficult, not knowing where to turn. But one day I ran into an energy healer (yes, I rolled my eyes too). Back then I didn’t have a clue what energy healing meant but I’m glad we didn’t let that stop us. Marianna, the healer, turned the whole scenario around. She started the process of rebuilding our daughter’s self worth. Much like the so-called animal whisperers, she taught our daughter about weak and strong energy and how that affects other people. We (both my daughter and her parents) needed to let go of the victim energy.

With Marianna’s healing method (hands-on but not much touching) she helped our daughter remain centered and grounded in difficult situations so that her energy would flow more freely. By sending out balanced, calm and assertive energy she wouldn’t attract the bullies. Guess what, it worked!

Within months, our daughter was blooming again. She found her passion in music theatre. A couple years later, in junior high school, both her peers and teachers elected her “teenager of the year.”

It was around that time that I too decided to focus my life, and my career, around positive energy. I found my own angle to healing work. I took on a new profession and become a Holistic Health Coach.

Now, you may not agree with alternative healing methods, such as energy healing, and that is perfectly ok. There are many simple, everyday things that you can do to make sure that your child will radiate strong, anti-bullying energy. Here are some of the steps that I advise my clients to take, and what you can try as well:

• Start immediately boosting your child’s energy level with nutritious food. That means adding to his/her diet simple whole foods like vegetables, whole grains, berries, fruits, seeds, nuts and so on.

• Make sure that the child gets fresh air every day, preferably where there are trees around for more oxygen.

• Ensure at least eight hours of peaceful sleep every night. That may mean rubbing their feet until they fall asleep or just sitting by the bed until the sleep takes over.

• Spend time really listening to what the child has to say. They only share when they feel the need, and I would do my best to catch that moment. Work can wait.

• As often as possible, exclude your child from the drama and violence served by TV, video games, computer etc. Negative energy simply has to be switched off in order for us to flourish.

• Keep assuring your child that we are all perfect exactly the way we are, no exceptions.

• Encourage your child to listen to his/her gut instinct, and to shine his/her unique light. What other people say or think is not our problem

With the knowledge and experience that I have today, I help people who have children who are being bullied by encouraging them not to waste one moment blaming anybody. Bullies act out of their own insecurities and fear. The key is to have enough self-esteem so that there will be no need to react. Without reaction there is less chance for bullying. The bottom line is strong energy, and that’s available from many different faucets.

And this goes for adults too. Absolutely nobody else is allowed to limit us or define us. We set our own limitations. To mention just one inspiring example: I had a young woman as a client who came to me to make peace with the fact (according to her doctors) that she could never have a child. Luckily, that woman was brave enough to believe that with a change in mindset, some lifestyle changes, including healing foods, and a focus on positive energy, her body might possibly heal itself. A miracle baby girl was born this past January.

And I pray that she will never be bullied in her life.

Pirkko Tavaila can be reached at pirkko@eatbenow.com.

Below you'll find links to previous articles, columns and commentaries published by The Reporters Inc.

April 2013/By Kamil Zawadzki/”A ‘Gen-Y’ SOS: Where are OUR Financial Gurus?”.
April 2013/By Timothy P. Munkeby/”A Loving Legacy: Teaching Kids Financial Literacy”.
March 2013/By Kent Greene/"Note to Congress: Consider Firearms Liability Insurance".
March 2013/By Joan A. Peterson/"32 Homicides A Day: My Sister Was One of Them".
March 2013/By Derick White/"Father, Hunter, Gun Owner: I Can't Stop Thinking About An Answer".
February 2013/By Donald Ross/"Where's Opie? Heartache in the Heartland".
February 2013/By Mark Saxenmeyer/"The Deep Sting of Loneliness".
January 2013/By Mark Armbrust /"Goal Setting in 2013: Make One Realistic, One 'Big and Hairy'".
January 2013/By Mark Saxenmeyer/"So Much to Discover, Even in the Alley".